Control is an illusion

 Anybody who tells you their cancer is, "under control," is in denial, including me.  Cancer does what it wants, when it wants, to who(m?)ever it wants.  I think that we sometimes forget that cancer, by definition, is usually described as a group of cells reproducing out of control and unpredictably.

We were sitting in the Cardiac (EKG) waiting room ay Sansum Clinic on Wednesday when I felt a seizure coming on. It never developed to a full blown episode but would've been fairly large because it was coming from the right side; yes, I can tell which side, which tumor, the seizures originate from because they each have their own characteristics.  The ones originating on the left side are more mellow, a pulsing dizziness that lasts about 45 seconds and leave, there is seldom involvement in the extremities and there are no lingering after-effects typically.  The right-side- originating episodes are more physically violent and fully incapacitating with full physical involvement of the left side of my body with and some spill-over to the right side. It has left the left side of my face  not necessarily numb, but I'm not able to smile; which leads me to believe either the infection is back or there is some swelling in my brain again that's causing pressure on my facial nerves.  I had a pre-scheduled, well-timed, MRI Wednesday and have not had any definitive results from anyone yet.  My Oncologist says he thinks there has been some tumor growth, and there is definitely swelling in the tumor area; it's evidently difficult to differentiate between the two.  We're "waiting" for a second opinion from my surgeon  and another from UCSF. 

I say, "waiting," because we are going forward with plans for the HBO therapy as well as life in general, there's not much point in wringing my hands and worrying, it does no good and is actually detrimental to my health.  I may not have my cancer "Under control," but I never want to let it have control over me.  Life goes on.