Faith and God

For as long as I can remember I've had people trying to tell me how to pray, when and to which God; but I never really found my voice, faith or spiritual peace, for that matter, until cancer found me. I'm not talking about the voice says, "Uh, oh, I need to find God and quick;" I'm talking about the "First-name-basis," that God and I are now on; the one He was waiting for me to use.

I was raised a Roman Catholic for the first eighteen plus years of my life; alter-boy, fish on Fridays, church every Sunday unless I was on my deathbed and all. I have great respect for my Irish Catholic father, who always did his absolute best along with my mother to raise my brother, sister and me to follow the moral and spiritual teachings of the church, and I know that he is proud of the way we have turned out in that regard, because he has told us so. Though I have found my own "Faith path," for lack of a less "New Age" (very tired of that ridiculous term, by the way) term since I still go back to that compass for the firm and basic guidance in my life. I love you, Dad, and thank you for that firm foundation you provided for me.

I've heard it said that religion is a man sitting in church thinking about fishing, but spiritualism, or faith, is a man fishing thinking about God; that's where I am, and what could be better? I believe in God and my relationship with Him is sacred and very personal to me. I am no longer a "Practicing Catholic," which I've always found an odd term; does practice make perfect at some point? The main reason for that, among a long list, is that I found myself reciting the prayers in church mindlessly, kind of like the fisherman (and yes, I do see the irony of the term), which is not scared or personal, and certainly no comfort to my soul. I have not been born again and, with no offense or judgment intended to my friends who have accepted Jesus in that way, don't feel the need to be; I accepted His love a long time ago. I believe it is more important to try to live life as, "Christ-like," as possible than as a Christian, Catholic or under some other such specific label, endeavoring to follow His teachings of love and forgiveness to the best of my spiritual ability than as a member of an organized religion filled with rules, infrastructure and dogma. I don't believe that it is up to anyone here on Earth to tell me how to talk to God, or how not to; we'll all know in the end if he heard us or not, right? I'm confident I'm doing okay on that front judging by all of my blessings.

I've occasionally been asked by close friends, "Are you ever mad at God for your cancer, or asked yourself, 'why me?'" I honestly have never thought of it in those terms, as though this is some sort of punishment, or test of my faith; a compassionate God, my God, has no interest and too much love for that kind of pettiness. It is what it is, and for that matter, why not me? As Mother Teresa, who we now realize even had her doubts at times, is often loosely quoted as saying, "I know that God will never give me more than I can handle; but I sometimes wish He didn't have so much confidence in me." I've felt that way once or twice over the past six plus years. Most of he time I simply feel so blessed by Him for giving me a supportive and loving family and a very satisfying life full of love and meaning. For letting me in on the gift of perspective and for letting me rest my problems and burdens on Him when they are too much for me to bear. A very good friend, Ron, and someone I consider to be my, "Go to guy," for God, told me not to worry, that God has big shoulders for a reason and to never hesitate to ask for help. God has never let me down and never would, and that is faith.

If there was a moment when I realized what was truly up, it was shortly after I first came home from UCSF in 2001 after my first brain surgery and I received a call from my friend, Jim. Jim is "Deep," in the very spiritual sense of the word. We talked about cancer, my tumor surgery, but also talked about the very spiritual sense of it all. I know that the experience is different for everyone, but there is an awakening that can take place if you're open to it, and it can be difficult to describe unless you've gone through it. I told him how grateful I was to be alive and how the world looked very different to me after what I and my family had gone through. He listened intently and at the end of the conversation said, "Welcome home, Tom." I thanked him and he said,"No, welcome home, Tom." I again said thanks and hung the phone up. It didn't dawn on me what he was actually saying to me until I had hung up. When he picked up the phone to take my call back he was laughing, knowing what was coming and trying to slow me down as I talked for another twenty minutes excitedly about what he had said and what it meant. He realized that I "Got it," or was starting to at that point anyway, and was welcoming me to a new part of my life.

So that is my take on faith and God in an appropriate week to be thankful for my many blessings. I hope you enjoy your week. I hope it's filled with friendship, family an love, as mine will be.

I saw an interview with a quantum physicist a while back in which he was asked to describe God. His answer was another one of those, simple "Lightbulb" moments: "Asking me to describe God is like asking a fish to describe water."

Perfect.