November 16, 2007

Latest News and Thanksgiving

Remember Mr. Sta-Pufft, the bloated marshmallow character from Dan Akroyd's noggen in Ghostbusters 1? That's me this week; the thick joints, swollen face and neck, etc. that clearly identify those of us not taking steroids to illegally excel in sports, but to offset the effects of what are often debilitating treatments designed to save our lives . . . perspective, right?

It's foolish and vain to think of it in this way, but that was one of the side effects I hoped I'd never have to see, or have my girls see in/on me. My oncologist has recommended that I cut the dose in half, which I did last night, and I expect it to take care of it, as I assume he does. It may well help my eye condition as I have read that steroid use during the onset of CSR http://www.cushings-help.com/csr.htm may be contraindicated, so it may turn out to be a good course all the way round.

Speaking of the eye condition, it has not become worse, but has not improved, either - I know, I know; glass half full, half empty - I'll still go with half full. I had a scan this past week and will meet with the specialist this coming week - hopefully not for him to simply encourage patience over the next few weeks or, God forbid, months while it heals itself, but to schedule a corrective procedure. There is nothing I do that is not handicapped by my vision problem - including this blog! The things we're used to taking for granted are often so very important.

I've missed all week at Rehab due to a fall last Thursday morning at 1:00am in our room, and onto the corner of my nightstand; it was the worst fall I've taken yet and I'm surprised I didn't crack my ribs, I hit that hard. I think part of the reason is that I took an Ambien CR, which is great at putting me to sleep, but also makes me groggy if I wake in the middle of the night and don't take the time to clear the cob webs out before standing up. I've been too sore to do anything more than arm raises, stretches and a little pool work yesterday, but I'm looking forward to working out in the pool this weekend as the weather looks to be warm. I was told in my first go-round with brain surgery and recovery, "If you don't use it, you'll lose it," and I know it's true just from the hinderance I'm now facing from post-surgical atrophy on my left side.

I'm looking forward to the Thanksgiving Holiday this coming week, which may sound strange after all of my griping above. In actuality, I feel that it's not only okay, but essential to acknowledge the discomfort and disappointment of cancer, it's recovery course frought with setbacks and eventual survivorship in order to keep your sanity through the process. There is, after all, a necessary grieving process for your former, cancer-free life that is now lost. You are under no obligation to be, "Okay," about that or to feel a responsibility to others to always stay positive; your only responsibility is to healing yourself and by doing so, you will inadvertantly heal others. Once I realized that it freed me to move forward in my recovery the first time around and though this second recovery is clearly harder and more frustrating than the first one for my family and I, I still feel so blessed and lucky just to be here among family and friends. This Thanksgiving will be physically challenging, but I'm betting it will also be one of the most spiritually fulfilling for all of us to be sure.

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